Best Words

Monday morning, when we pulled up in front of the school, Will's principal was standing at the corner, letting the kids know that they were waiting for the first bell outside for the first time since before all the snow. For most kids, this was great news--a chance to run around like lunatics and burn off a little energy before they have to go in and sit down at their desks. For Will--not so much.  His anxiety immediately kicks in with a running diatribe in his head. "By the time you get there, everyone will have gone inside and you will have to knock on the door and get let in after it's closed and everyone will stare at you. Or you will come around the corner and everyone will be playing and you will be left out. Or you will interrupt someone's game and they will start off the day mad at you. Or you will step in a puddle or fall in the mud or do something equally as yucky and everyone will laugh at you and your day will be ruined!" Or something like that. I don't know *specifically* what his fears involve, but that's the general idea. Whatever he thinks exactly, it all means his anxiety is ramping before he even sets foot through the door.

In the fall and early winter, before the snow fell and covered the entire playground and we could anticipate the outdoor time, we had a couple different plans in place to deal with it, depending on the morning. But this week we were caught off guard. The change happened with no warning. We had been lulled into a new routine and I didn't even think about the fact that the return of above-freezing weather, combined with most of the snow being gone, would send the kids outside again.

In fact, Will was already out of the car and I was starting to pull away when I realized what was happening. I was in the drop off line, boxed in and unable to park and get out, helpless to help him. He was around the corner before I got out of the drop zone.

To make matters worse, Monday and Tuesday were MCAS ELA testing days. The bane of the SPED parents' existence. These days, Will is academically at a level where the test shouldn't be such a challenge, a change from when he first came into the school and was operating almost three grade levels lower across the academic board, but his anxiety and executive function challenges and inability to focus still make MCAS a nightmare for him. We do the best we can to play them down; I explain to him that the tests are more to show how the SCHOOL and the TEACHERS are doing at teaching him than to show what he, specifically, has learned. We have special MCAS breakfast on those mornings. I meet him at pickup with special snacks. We try to find as much of a silver lining as we can, but there are still Other Factors for him. And extra worries for me.

He made it through Monday and played down the drop off scene when I asked him about it later. We actually had a pretty good night on Monday, and Tuesday morning started off really well. Because I make him special breakfast, though, I'm always behind with MY schedule on those mornings and often end up driving him to school in my pajamas. Tuesday was a "behind" kind of morning for me.

While he was brushing his teeth, the last thing he does before we walk out the door, I mentioned that he would probably be outside again today and that we would go to the back of the school so I could drop him off at the field, as was our regular routine on outside days before the snow. He kind of grunted in response, finished with his toothbrush, and knelt down to say goodbye to the dog.

We got in the car and started driving to the school. I commented again about dropping him at the field and he froze.  "But Mummy, we aren't down on the field. We're up on the blacktop! You need to get out and walk me around!"

I was still in my pajamas.

"I can't walk you today, Will--I'm in my pajamas! I will have to drop you out front and you can walk around from there."

Arguments ensued. He demanded. I resisted. We pulled into the drop off lane. He refused to get out of the car. I started to lose my cool. The car behind us honked. It wasn't pretty.

Eventually, after an incredibly loud and angry, "FINE! BUT AFTER SCHOOL YOU OWE ME BIG TIME!" he got out of the car and walked around the building. I drove home feeling sick. All of the work I'd done to start his day off on a good note--out the window. Instead, I was annoyed, he was upset, and our exchange was anything but supportive.

 This morning, I got up a few minutes early, got dressed, and made sure I was walk-prepared. While we were eating non-special, regular morning breakfast, I asked him if he and I could talk for a minute about Best Words. He asked me what that meant. I reminded him of what had happened the day before and told him that I'd left the school feeling pretty yucky about our conversation. He admitted that he felt yucky, too, and we both agreed that we hate feeling that way. I told him that I'd thought about it a lot and that I believed what he was actually trying to say to me when he demanded that I walk him around the building was, "Mummy, I get anxious when I have to walk to the blacktop myself, and it helps a lot when you walk with me to keep me feeling calm." Why, yes, that *was* what he was trying to say.

I explained to him that if he had said that to me when I brought it up in the bathroom, I could have taken the time to change my clothes and been ready to walk with him, and that telling me what he was actually thinking like I'd just done, and which he admitted he was thinking in his head, would be using his Best Words. And when someone uses their Best Words, it's much easier to have a discussion and get what you want, instead of demanding and arguing. I also told him that I hadn't used my Best Words because I'd brought it up to him while he was distracted and hadn't made sure he had actually heard me.

We agreed to try to use our Best Words with each other going forward and then shook on it. I hope I can remember to do so myself, not just remind him to use his.

This morning, I parked by the field and we walked together up to the blacktop. He left for school happy. Score one for Mom!

Wouldn't life be so much less complex if we ALL used our Best Words with each other!